gift ideas for women turning 90 image
Julia
Hello everyone,
Here's a short synopsis of the tribulation:
My bf of 10 months and I have been living together. I moved in with him-- into his "hide-out". He has been dealing with his mom's Lou Garag's disease getting worse over the past year, so naturally, he wants to hide-out from everything. Why he got into a relationship with me has no reason, as he and I have discussed, but the obvious answer is that we fell in love, and were, and still are, best friends. Lately, well, over Christmas break, I went out east to meet the rest of his family and spend time with them. It was amazing, pleasant, and very satisfying, but stressful, and even dramatic at times... So, generally, the fact that I need to "come up for air" and can't really live with his suicidal depression anymore, affects how I deal with my own issues, and so I've decided to move out, but stay around the same area. We want to stay together, and have discussed our issues about a)constant arguing, b) how this move is best, c) how our relationship feels like it would take a 180 degree turn when we both have our own spaces again....
I knew our love was growing all this time, and even though I didn't have a long-term idea of how long I was going to live in his "bat cave", I knew, and still know, that our relationship, at the core, is incredibly solid, especially because we started out as friends for about a year and a half before we decided to date.
The problem is the difficulty of lessoning how much we see each other, even physical contact, just so we don't dive into an argument. I have never lived with a bf before this, and he had never lived with a gf, so, we really had no idea how to "argue correctly". We have given each other space in the past, but given his deep depression, and discontent with standing under the cloud with him (in the same quarters, day after day), has called for me to just find my own place.....
I feel better, and sleep better, knowing that he and I will be able to see each other when we WANT to, and take care of business without sacrificing comfortable living space or trying not to be bothered by the other doing something. BUT, he is encredibly private, steadfast, and does not express affection well..... and lately, it is entirely and reasonably doubtful sometimes that he even still loves me.... He says we are not over, that he wants things to be pleasant, joyous, comfortable, loving, and peaceful. We all know that doesn't happen all the time within relationships, but for us, it has been about 90% the other way around, but when it's good, it's great!! This has only been going downhill for the past 3 months I think..
Concise concern:
I am pleased and greatful that we both respect one another, and are best friends, so that we realize the ACTUAL amount of space one needs, emotionally. I love him, and trust him, so that we can get through this.
A) What should I do in the mean time whilst trying to ignore touching and kissing my own bf, as we sleep apart (in separate rooms) for the next week?
B) Should I refrain from telling him I still love him and still want to be with him, when it doesn't SEEM that he feels the same, but he SAYS he feels the same?
C) We are trying to avoid each other, but love each other very very much, so this is just really hard.......
Any general tips.... much appreciated!!!!!
Thanks :)
Answer
First off, are you another one who is "misusing" the word depression? I surely pray you are because i'm getting some seriously bad overwhelming feelings here, has he actually been diagnosed with depression or situation depression ? Situational depression does pass, depression does not and an "attempt" at controlling it with meds "is" necessary.
These, my friend, are extremely important questions given the situation you are describing. If he has actually been diagnosed with depression previously, he is showing some very disturbing signs, and i would now ask if he has given you anything such as a gift, something precious or important to him, something he has kept a long time, a lot of men, not being sentimental creatures don't always do this, but women and teens who suffer depression often do.
Depression worsens with age, stress and/or situation. If he has been diagnosed at any point, and i get the feeling he has, then you seriously better seek help. If he is suffering depression on top of what his moms going through, don't you dare find ways of avoiding him, this is not about working things out or giving space, not in the manner he's got in mind and the rush to have you out says he can't take anymore no matter how much he loves you. Love, nor a layman can be of absolutely no help to him at this point.
Not knowing the answers to the fore mentioned questions, i will not take this further, nor do i wish to put a scare into you unnecessarily but if i'm right, he needs help like, yesterday.
First off, are you another one who is "misusing" the word depression? I surely pray you are because i'm getting some seriously bad overwhelming feelings here, has he actually been diagnosed with depression or situation depression ? Situational depression does pass, depression does not and an "attempt" at controlling it with meds "is" necessary.
These, my friend, are extremely important questions given the situation you are describing. If he has actually been diagnosed with depression previously, he is showing some very disturbing signs, and i would now ask if he has given you anything such as a gift, something precious or important to him, something he has kept a long time, a lot of men, not being sentimental creatures don't always do this, but women and teens who suffer depression often do.
Depression worsens with age, stress and/or situation. If he has been diagnosed at any point, and i get the feeling he has, then you seriously better seek help. If he is suffering depression on top of what his moms going through, don't you dare find ways of avoiding him, this is not about working things out or giving space, not in the manner he's got in mind and the rush to have you out says he can't take anymore no matter how much he loves you. Love, nor a layman can be of absolutely no help to him at this point.
Not knowing the answers to the fore mentioned questions, i will not take this further, nor do i wish to put a scare into you unnecessarily but if i'm right, he needs help like, yesterday.
My Jamaican in-laws don't like me???!!!?
**ME**
Ok..not to say that it's only a 'Jamaican' thing. But that's what they are, so it is what it is. I emphasize 'Jamaican' because I'm feeling that it's because of my nationality. My issue is..
My hubby and I have been together for years...and in turn we are now happily married. He is a jamaican national...turned 'american' citizen by way of you know....I'm from the US..etc etc..
Anyway...his friends and most family 'don't like' me. Or shoud I say, the 'idea' of me. For I have never formally met them...so I'm not understanding why.
They don't disrespect me in any way...but it's like they just plain out don't RESPECT me. They always refer to me with an adjective...like 'foreign' or something describing me as being an American. OH YEAH!...and a YANKEE!
I don't want to explain all my experiences in detail..all in all, I'm feeling like this:
They think I'm like a downgrade or that my husband 'settled for less' by marrying an American girl.
What's up with that? I love my husband for who he is, not because he is Jamaican..and vice versa. Might I add, I LOVE the culture..and he loves the American culture. So what's all the animosity about?
The only ones that are nice are the ones that 'beg'. I find this to be ridiculous.
Is there like a big cultural issue in Jamaica when it comes to marrying one of a different nationality? (not only american)
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I agree with you miss 'highly favored'.
I am familiar with the terminology 'foreign' and 'yankee' etc. What I'm saying is that when they call..they know my name!..but they don't call and say stuff like..how are you and 'foreign' doing? And you and 'yankee'....instead of just using my name. I'm trying to be positive about it, but it seems like disrespect.
BUT yes...if they don't like it..oh well!
(i jacked that last paragraph all up!)
I meant that
'they DO call and say.....'
Answer
Honestly? There coudl be MANY different reasons for the treatment you describe.
1. Could be paranoia on your part. I doubt this is the case, but you could be reading too deeply into thier calling you a 'foreigner'. As unlikely as it is i must suggest this as a possibility.
2. It could also be a DEEP family trait, that is very much prejudiced against people of other cultures or races. In my family, 90% of all those who have 'succesful' marriages are married to either Jamaicans or at least people of carribean descent. You husband may very well have evolved away from this trait, and adapted so much to US culture that in the long run it will be a non-issue.
3. The other MOST SERIOUS risk is that he has NOT evolved. If he still holds the cultural prejudices deep down, that fact could be playing a role in why his family sound that way.
Solution:
Your husband. He is the best person to talk to his family discreetly and let them know you don't like it. Its also important for you to spend some 'broke time' in jamaica. By that? i mean come here with him and spend FAMILY time that is focussed on your getting to know everyone and them getting to know and relate to you as a human being... you can bring some gifts, but you dont want them to see you as a wealthy "money tree"...so dont brign too much money. Learn some jamaican cooking from the women in his family. Go do stuff with your nephews and nieces and cousins etc. At some point? You will feel safe letting them know how you feel about that 'foreigner' tag. They will eventually take it off you quite ceremoniously.
Be forewarned that like any in-laws? Some may NEVER like you, but that's there choice. All you will do is make sure that it isnt because of anythign you've done or have failed to do.
As strange as it sounds? The name-calling may make it seem unique, but All of this is still the normal process by which families try to come together after a marriage. The fact that there is physical and cultural DISTANCE makes it a bit more 'interesting' and makes it easier for misunderstandings to occur. i doubt it would be much different if you were from italy and carried your jamaican husband home...to italy, or if you were mexican or russian or anythign like that.
Honestly? There coudl be MANY different reasons for the treatment you describe.
1. Could be paranoia on your part. I doubt this is the case, but you could be reading too deeply into thier calling you a 'foreigner'. As unlikely as it is i must suggest this as a possibility.
2. It could also be a DEEP family trait, that is very much prejudiced against people of other cultures or races. In my family, 90% of all those who have 'succesful' marriages are married to either Jamaicans or at least people of carribean descent. You husband may very well have evolved away from this trait, and adapted so much to US culture that in the long run it will be a non-issue.
3. The other MOST SERIOUS risk is that he has NOT evolved. If he still holds the cultural prejudices deep down, that fact could be playing a role in why his family sound that way.
Solution:
Your husband. He is the best person to talk to his family discreetly and let them know you don't like it. Its also important for you to spend some 'broke time' in jamaica. By that? i mean come here with him and spend FAMILY time that is focussed on your getting to know everyone and them getting to know and relate to you as a human being... you can bring some gifts, but you dont want them to see you as a wealthy "money tree"...so dont brign too much money. Learn some jamaican cooking from the women in his family. Go do stuff with your nephews and nieces and cousins etc. At some point? You will feel safe letting them know how you feel about that 'foreigner' tag. They will eventually take it off you quite ceremoniously.
Be forewarned that like any in-laws? Some may NEVER like you, but that's there choice. All you will do is make sure that it isnt because of anythign you've done or have failed to do.
As strange as it sounds? The name-calling may make it seem unique, but All of this is still the normal process by which families try to come together after a marriage. The fact that there is physical and cultural DISTANCE makes it a bit more 'interesting' and makes it easier for misunderstandings to occur. i doubt it would be much different if you were from italy and carried your jamaican husband home...to italy, or if you were mexican or russian or anythign like that.
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