estrellita
im from Spain and so we don't have Bridal showers, but the more i read websites i see its VERY popular in America and people seem to get gifts for both the shower and the wedding day, now is it just me or does this seem VERY greedy?
i mean why do people need to give 2 gifts? even if they arent big girfts its still ends up a lot of money.
is this really what happens?
but if its "typical" then people will clearly feel obligated to get one for both as they dont want to look bad as its your custom. so its a little greedy yes
dont you have registries though to?
isnt that where you choose the store and items you want guests to buy? that my understanding and so people wouldnt really have much choice on cost as you have alreay picked the item/cost
Answer
What the vendors of The Wedding Industry say is "the right thing to do" and what true etiquette experts like Emily Post and Miss Manners tell us is CORRECT ... these are very different things. Traditionally a shower was a lot like a surprise birthday party. There wasn't a shower for every wedding anymore than there is a surprise party for every birthday. If there was some group of acquaintances who wanted to give the bride a pleasant surprise, they would pool their money to get some light refreshments, a roll of crepe paper, and a Grand Prize. Guests got to snack, play silly games for cheap silly prizes, and one of the lucky guests won the Grand Prize.
The bride absolutely had no part in planning a shower. As you say, it is greedy to give a shower for a member of ones own family, or even ones soon to be family. When people spontaneously wish to shower the bride with gifts, that is one matter, but to try to engineer such a group by "mining" the wedding guest would once have been considered quite rude. Excepting close relatives and bridesmaids, perhaps one or two dear friends, no once should be attending both wedding and shower. For example shower invitations might go to every member of the brides bowling league or to everyone in her office or to her neighbors, but they would NOT be issued to a group with no common characteristic other than being on the wedding guest list.
That is more or less the description of a CORRECT shower. As far as I can determine, The Wedding Industry is promoting a model in which "The Shower" is as much a part of EVERY wedding as flowers and cake. In this model, lacking that group of generous well wishes who VOLUNTEER to shower the bride with gifts, the poor Maid of Honor is given the humiliating task of attempting to engineer such a group. She does this by begging wedding guests she hardly knows to join her and the bride in a pretence of their WANTING to attend an extra party and give an extra gift.
The Wedding Industry also promotes the idea that it is "rude" to refuse a shower invitation, and that one is somehow obliged to send a gift when ever one receives a shower or wedding invitation. This is nonsense. It is never rude to decline an invitation, and one need not give a reason. "[Name] regrets being unable to attend" is all one ever need say. Gifts are required ONLY if one ATTENDS a shower. (A gift is also required if one attends the birthday party of a small child.)
Further The Wedding Industry has purposely confused showers with The Bridal Luncheon, which was often a chic and dressy affair. We are told that simply gathering in a bridemaid's parents' home for brownies and soft drinks is "tacky" and that "the right thing" is for someone to rent a hall or book a restaurant. The idea is promoted that escalating the level of the party leads to escalating the level of the guests' gift giving, I suppose. Theoretically, the bridesmaids pay for all this, as if buying a dress you hate isn't enough expense. The end goal is to induce people to spend more and more money on party items, on gifts, on gift wrap, and so on, to create parties where none previously existed. This is how The Wedding Industry sells merchandice.
Wedding gifts should be sent before or after the wedding, not brought to the party. (Don't the hosts already have enough to do?) There are two reasons for giving a wedding gift. One is purely wanting to gift someone for an important event. The other is to say "I enjoyed your party very much, and thank you for inviting me." Guests are obliged to send a thank you LETTER, but saying thank you with a gift is not technically required. However it IS very much the custom, and I advise everyone who attends a wedding to send at least some sort of modest gift as a token of thanks.
I hope this was helpful.
What the vendors of The Wedding Industry say is "the right thing to do" and what true etiquette experts like Emily Post and Miss Manners tell us is CORRECT ... these are very different things. Traditionally a shower was a lot like a surprise birthday party. There wasn't a shower for every wedding anymore than there is a surprise party for every birthday. If there was some group of acquaintances who wanted to give the bride a pleasant surprise, they would pool their money to get some light refreshments, a roll of crepe paper, and a Grand Prize. Guests got to snack, play silly games for cheap silly prizes, and one of the lucky guests won the Grand Prize.
The bride absolutely had no part in planning a shower. As you say, it is greedy to give a shower for a member of ones own family, or even ones soon to be family. When people spontaneously wish to shower the bride with gifts, that is one matter, but to try to engineer such a group by "mining" the wedding guest would once have been considered quite rude. Excepting close relatives and bridesmaids, perhaps one or two dear friends, no once should be attending both wedding and shower. For example shower invitations might go to every member of the brides bowling league or to everyone in her office or to her neighbors, but they would NOT be issued to a group with no common characteristic other than being on the wedding guest list.
That is more or less the description of a CORRECT shower. As far as I can determine, The Wedding Industry is promoting a model in which "The Shower" is as much a part of EVERY wedding as flowers and cake. In this model, lacking that group of generous well wishes who VOLUNTEER to shower the bride with gifts, the poor Maid of Honor is given the humiliating task of attempting to engineer such a group. She does this by begging wedding guests she hardly knows to join her and the bride in a pretence of their WANTING to attend an extra party and give an extra gift.
The Wedding Industry also promotes the idea that it is "rude" to refuse a shower invitation, and that one is somehow obliged to send a gift when ever one receives a shower or wedding invitation. This is nonsense. It is never rude to decline an invitation, and one need not give a reason. "[Name] regrets being unable to attend" is all one ever need say. Gifts are required ONLY if one ATTENDS a shower. (A gift is also required if one attends the birthday party of a small child.)
Further The Wedding Industry has purposely confused showers with The Bridal Luncheon, which was often a chic and dressy affair. We are told that simply gathering in a bridemaid's parents' home for brownies and soft drinks is "tacky" and that "the right thing" is for someone to rent a hall or book a restaurant. The idea is promoted that escalating the level of the party leads to escalating the level of the guests' gift giving, I suppose. Theoretically, the bridesmaids pay for all this, as if buying a dress you hate isn't enough expense. The end goal is to induce people to spend more and more money on party items, on gifts, on gift wrap, and so on, to create parties where none previously existed. This is how The Wedding Industry sells merchandice.
Wedding gifts should be sent before or after the wedding, not brought to the party. (Don't the hosts already have enough to do?) There are two reasons for giving a wedding gift. One is purely wanting to gift someone for an important event. The other is to say "I enjoyed your party very much, and thank you for inviting me." Guests are obliged to send a thank you LETTER, but saying thank you with a gift is not technically required. However it IS very much the custom, and I advise everyone who attends a wedding to send at least some sort of modest gift as a token of thanks.
I hope this was helpful.
Bridal Shower Gift...?
Diane
Am I supposed to bring a gift from the couple's registry to the bridal shower, or is that gift for the wedding? Or does each event require a separate gift?
Thanks girls, you've been very helpful but I'm still confused as to whether the gift I'm bringing with me to the bridal shower should be from the registry, or if it's supposed to be a gift just for the bride?
Answer
If you attend a shower, you must bring a gift with you.
The registry is supposed to be a convenience for guests, to help them know what the couple would appreciate. If one prefers to give something else, something not on the register, it would be very rude of the recipient to find fault.
Technically, wedding gifts are not required. What is required is a handwritten letter or note thanking the hosts for giving such a wonderful party. If a party is especially wonderful, then one sends a gift along with or instead of the letter. While it is not absolutely required, it is very usual for wedding reception guests to find the party to be especially wonderful and to say thank you with a gift.
You didn't ask, but let me add that Miss Manners discourages guests from bringing gifts to wedding receptions. She advises us that hosts are already very busy and it would probably be inconvenient for them to guard gifts from theft, to keep track of who gave what, to schlepp it all home later. She suggest sending gifts either before the wedding or after the honeymoon.
Being a mean old bat, I generally choose a gift after the reception. That way, I can be more generous to those couples who are more considerate of their guests and less generous to those who treat guests with little consideration.
If you attend a shower, you must bring a gift with you.
The registry is supposed to be a convenience for guests, to help them know what the couple would appreciate. If one prefers to give something else, something not on the register, it would be very rude of the recipient to find fault.
Technically, wedding gifts are not required. What is required is a handwritten letter or note thanking the hosts for giving such a wonderful party. If a party is especially wonderful, then one sends a gift along with or instead of the letter. While it is not absolutely required, it is very usual for wedding reception guests to find the party to be especially wonderful and to say thank you with a gift.
You didn't ask, but let me add that Miss Manners discourages guests from bringing gifts to wedding receptions. She advises us that hosts are already very busy and it would probably be inconvenient for them to guard gifts from theft, to keep track of who gave what, to schlepp it all home later. She suggest sending gifts either before the wedding or after the honeymoon.
Being a mean old bat, I generally choose a gift after the reception. That way, I can be more generous to those couples who are more considerate of their guests and less generous to those who treat guests with little consideration.
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