COOL LOVIN
Im a 22 year old female Virgin who has a boyfriend, we do things like oral sex and pretty much everything apart from sex....I keep backing out when it comes to penetration, im so scared of the pain and the uncomfortableness, the bleeding and I dont know what to expect, I cannot bring myself to having sex with my long term stable boyfriend. What was your experience like and how long does the pain last for. I know everyone is different, but i feel inadequate because I cannot give my boyfriend the most precious gift. Please any sensible advice most appreciated.
Thanks
Chantelle
Answer
First time sex is probably NEVER even close to "perfect" from the physical perspective. Most women report that their first sexual intercourse was somewhere between "very uncomfortable" and "hurt like hell". Something like half of all women say they bled enough to notice.
When my wife and I exchanged virginity (she gave hers to me, and received mine in return) she expected it to hurt and she did have a fair amount of pain. A lot of that was because both of us were a little eager and inexperienced - I'll tell you what we could have done better in a moment. She bled about like a heavy period but it didn't last long. (Perhaps the only thing I really did well on that first time was to have a washcloth and warm water ready to clean her up as soon as we finished.)
Physiologically, it was perhaps some of the worst sex we've had in over 35 years of marriage - mentally and emotionally it is an extremely significant and meaningful event in both our lives. Though even on the physical level, we were eager to do it again only about 2 hours later so it wasn't horrible!
A few things to "set the mood" are definitely worthwhile! Comfortable surroundings - plenty of privacy - a light, but special meal. Alcohol is a poor sexual lubricant but ONE glass of wine may be helpful.
You have already spent time learning about each others' bodies and how to pleasure each other without penetrative sex, with necking, petting, oral sex, etc. Have you learned how to bring each other to orgasm without intercourse?
Many sources suggest three things that make a girl's very first time go better. One is for her partner to orgasm shortly before trying to enter her. It will help him have the control and consideration to be aware of her response, and minimize her discomfort. While he is "recharging" - about 5 or 10 minutes - he should bring her to orgasm with his mouth, fingers, etc. Then she will be as relaxed, open, and lubricated, as she'll ever be. The third thing to do, rather than getting on top or pinning her to the mattress, is to for HIM to lay on his back, have her straddle him, and let HER guide him into her vagina. She should think, "I'm going to envelope his erection with my vagina.", instead of "He's going to stick it into me.". There is NO WAY he can feel what she is feeling - let her find the best location, angle, etc for gently easing into her. Unfortunately, I suspect most young women are too self-conscious and nervous to actually do this.
Like bowling, long division, or public speaking, good sex is something you learn through practice. It's an even more complicated activity than these examples. Like sports, sex is physical; like math, sex is mental; and like oration, sex is psychological. For most of us, both guys and gals, the first time isn't great sex. My first time was lousy sex. My wife's first time was lousy sex. (As I mentioned, her first time and my first time were the same time.) But even though it was lousy sex, it was very significant and meaningful to us.
The physiological mechanics of sex, especially your first time, are well-documented on dozens of web sites. Some examples include "How can I make my first time having sex enjoyable?" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-can-i-make-my-first-time-having.html ] and, "I want to start having sex with him . . ." at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-want-to-start-having-sex-with-him.html ] (scroll down to find my response), and "He's a virgin, I'm not. How can I make it meaningful for him?" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/hes-a-virgin-im-not--how-can.html ] and "Any stories about losing your virginity??" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/any-stories-about-losing-your-virginity.html ].
Something we weren't prepared for was our emotional state immediately afterwards. I've read about this and talked to others, and the details vary WIDELY among people. (My wife & I were both sobbing, and pain wasn't the major cause.) The best I can say is that you need to be sensitive to each other, as well as yourselves, because you can do some emotional damage without even realizing it.
First time sex is probably NEVER even close to "perfect" from the physical perspective. Most women report that their first sexual intercourse was somewhere between "very uncomfortable" and "hurt like hell". Something like half of all women say they bled enough to notice.
When my wife and I exchanged virginity (she gave hers to me, and received mine in return) she expected it to hurt and she did have a fair amount of pain. A lot of that was because both of us were a little eager and inexperienced - I'll tell you what we could have done better in a moment. She bled about like a heavy period but it didn't last long. (Perhaps the only thing I really did well on that first time was to have a washcloth and warm water ready to clean her up as soon as we finished.)
Physiologically, it was perhaps some of the worst sex we've had in over 35 years of marriage - mentally and emotionally it is an extremely significant and meaningful event in both our lives. Though even on the physical level, we were eager to do it again only about 2 hours later so it wasn't horrible!
A few things to "set the mood" are definitely worthwhile! Comfortable surroundings - plenty of privacy - a light, but special meal. Alcohol is a poor sexual lubricant but ONE glass of wine may be helpful.
You have already spent time learning about each others' bodies and how to pleasure each other without penetrative sex, with necking, petting, oral sex, etc. Have you learned how to bring each other to orgasm without intercourse?
Many sources suggest three things that make a girl's very first time go better. One is for her partner to orgasm shortly before trying to enter her. It will help him have the control and consideration to be aware of her response, and minimize her discomfort. While he is "recharging" - about 5 or 10 minutes - he should bring her to orgasm with his mouth, fingers, etc. Then she will be as relaxed, open, and lubricated, as she'll ever be. The third thing to do, rather than getting on top or pinning her to the mattress, is to for HIM to lay on his back, have her straddle him, and let HER guide him into her vagina. She should think, "I'm going to envelope his erection with my vagina.", instead of "He's going to stick it into me.". There is NO WAY he can feel what she is feeling - let her find the best location, angle, etc for gently easing into her. Unfortunately, I suspect most young women are too self-conscious and nervous to actually do this.
Like bowling, long division, or public speaking, good sex is something you learn through practice. It's an even more complicated activity than these examples. Like sports, sex is physical; like math, sex is mental; and like oration, sex is psychological. For most of us, both guys and gals, the first time isn't great sex. My first time was lousy sex. My wife's first time was lousy sex. (As I mentioned, her first time and my first time were the same time.) But even though it was lousy sex, it was very significant and meaningful to us.
The physiological mechanics of sex, especially your first time, are well-documented on dozens of web sites. Some examples include "How can I make my first time having sex enjoyable?" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-can-i-make-my-first-time-having.html ] and, "I want to start having sex with him . . ." at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-want-to-start-having-sex-with-him.html ] (scroll down to find my response), and "He's a virgin, I'm not. How can I make it meaningful for him?" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/hes-a-virgin-im-not--how-can.html ] and "Any stories about losing your virginity??" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/any-stories-about-losing-your-virginity.html ].
Something we weren't prepared for was our emotional state immediately afterwards. I've read about this and talked to others, and the details vary WIDELY among people. (My wife & I were both sobbing, and pain wasn't the major cause.) The best I can say is that you need to be sensitive to each other, as well as yourselves, because you can do some emotional damage without even realizing it.
whats s good "gag" gift for a woman turning 40 years old?
-one-
besides a card. (already got her one)
thx
Answer
When my aunt was about 35 or so, her eyes started going and she got some reading glasses. When they would visit, she would insist that after a cocktail, she couldn't see very well so my mom, as a joke, went to the kitchen and got one of those round seals from a milk bottle and brought it out to her as a monocle. My aunt put it on and insisted that she in fact could see better.
After that, whenever we saw her, she would ask for her monocle.
So, when it was time for her to turn 40, we collected 40 of these things and wrapped Popsicle sticks to them, wrapped them up and gave them to her. Her family, and mine were laughing outloud for minutes because there had been 5 years or so of buildup by this point.
I realize that the joke would be lost because there is no history, but perhaps look for something like that - is there some kind of way to turn an inside joke from years past into a gift?
However, I've re-read the other posts and many have a point - women can be sensitive about their age. For that matter so can men. I know between my sister and myself, we're pretty brutal. I nailed her bad when she turned 30, but then when it was my turn, ouch! That hurts! Tit for tat in that case, but we are siblings - neither of us care. My sister and I basically operate on the idea that "Hey, leave my (sibling) alone! (he/she) is MY emotional punching bag! Back off or you are dealing with me."
When my aunt was about 35 or so, her eyes started going and she got some reading glasses. When they would visit, she would insist that after a cocktail, she couldn't see very well so my mom, as a joke, went to the kitchen and got one of those round seals from a milk bottle and brought it out to her as a monocle. My aunt put it on and insisted that she in fact could see better.
After that, whenever we saw her, she would ask for her monocle.
So, when it was time for her to turn 40, we collected 40 of these things and wrapped Popsicle sticks to them, wrapped them up and gave them to her. Her family, and mine were laughing outloud for minutes because there had been 5 years or so of buildup by this point.
I realize that the joke would be lost because there is no history, but perhaps look for something like that - is there some kind of way to turn an inside joke from years past into a gift?
However, I've re-read the other posts and many have a point - women can be sensitive about their age. For that matter so can men. I know between my sister and myself, we're pretty brutal. I nailed her bad when she turned 30, but then when it was my turn, ouch! That hurts! Tit for tat in that case, but we are siblings - neither of us care. My sister and I basically operate on the idea that "Hey, leave my (sibling) alone! (he/she) is MY emotional punching bag! Back off or you are dealing with me."
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